Wedding Outcome

I've been asked to write a follow-up to a previous post in which I described the moral dilemma of meeting my father for the first time at my brothers wedding. To those who do not remember the post, I have never been in the same room with my father...that is up until my oldest brothers wedding. My father left us when I was six months old and I have never met him or had any kind of communication with him.

I was very unhappy going into this occasion. While I do not wish anything bad to befall my father, I also had not desire to meet him or rekindle any kind of relationship. Both he and my mother have left me with deep psychological issues, mainly dealing with a fear of abandonment.

Well, in short, my fears of having to confront an issue that I did not want to confront were unfounded. In all actuality, even though my father and I were in the same room, he did not speak to me or I to him. It was almost as if he wasn't even there. During the ceremony, which was over 20 minutes, he sat in the front pew all the way against the wall, and I sat in the second pew by the aisle. We posed together for one family picture, so there is proof that we were at some point in the same room, and he was almost non-existent during the reception.

The reception was at a community center. They served beer and wine during dinner in the center, but hard liquor had to be kept outside. I kept wondering why people were spending so much time in the parking lot...well, that's why. And that is where my father spent his time during 90% of the reception. He came in to eat dinner then went right back outside.

Not a single word was spoken to each other and no one mentioned his presence. So, I did not have to worry about what I would say to this man after all.

Now, this leaves me with another dilemma. Should I regret not taking the opportunity to speak with him? My boss told me that she met her father for the first time when she was 40 and felt bad for him because she simply saw a lonely old man. I can't say that I feel the same sentiments.

Should I feel bad? I don't. Is that wrong? I don't know. If my father gets hit by a bus tomorrow will I regret not taking the opportunity to speak to him or have a relationship? I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish him harm, and I pray for the repose of the souls of my paternal grandparents who are both deceased and both of whom I never met. But I still do not feel any desire to have this man in my life.

It is this situation that makes me question what forgiveness really means. Honestly, I have not found the answer. All I know is that my feelings towards my father have not changed. I don't feel hatred, I just feel...nothing.